Babies are Scary, Giant Toothed, Creatures Covered in Scales

Today my head space is occupied by babies. Okay, okay, my head space is often occupied by babies. But today the babies are ruthless. Today when I wandered into the nursery part of my brain it startled me. Imagine stumbling upon a cave full of sleeping, giant toothed, scary creatures with scales. You would most likely stop short, say “oooooooohhh crap” in your head, then slowly and quietly back away.

 If you’re in luck those scary creatures of doom will never wake up and will never even know you were there. No pain, no problem.  That’s how I feel about babies.

I know what you’re thinking, “What’s wrong with you? Babies don’t sleep in caves and they don’t have giant teeth!” Okay wise guy, that is true, BUT babies are terrifying!  So when my inner self stumbles into the nursery of my head, I have the same reaction as the cave. I stop short, say “oh crap”, and back away slowly.

It’s not the thought of having a baby that scares me. It’s more the thought of not having a baby that terrifies me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a baby whisperer. I don’t instantly bond with babies and quiet the weary souls of infants. Actually, I’m quite the opposite. When a baby is placed in my arms I instantly think about all the things that could go wrong:

Am I holding on tight enough? Is this baby going to fall right through my arms and splat on the floor?  I tighten my grip. Crap, is my grip too tight? Am I going to squish the guts right out of this thing’s mouth? It can smell my fear, I know it, and it’s going to sound the alarm! What if I accidentally hit the self destruct button located in the soft squishy section of the head?!  

 While my mind is busy rushing through unlikely scenarios, my face and mouth are doing work worthy of a local low budget commercial. “Aren’t you just adorable?” Actually, you look like an alien trying to pass as an old man. “You look just like your daddy, don’t you?” Only if your dad looks like an alien trying to pass as an old man. Yes, it’s true, every time I hold a baby I honestly can’t wait to give it back. But I’m convinced that it will be different with my own. Plus, babies don’t have those self destruct buttons forever. And they grow out of the alien phase too.

So, why is it that I am terrified of NOT having babies? I can’t quite explain it. I love my life the way it is, and I know babies will change everything, but I've always wanted to be a mom. Every year that desire intensifies. It’s like this calling deep in my being that I can’t get rid of. It’s exciting, but it’s also exhausting.

Four years ago, when Dean and I got married, I started noticing pregnant women. (They are everywhere! Have you noticed? Seriously, look around; one of them is probably waddling by your window as we speak.) I saw one pregnant lady and suddenly I was in my brain nursery! The first dozen times in the nursery were fun. I thought about what mine and Dean’s babies would look like. I thought of names, and talents, and songs I would sing to them. I even picked out the colors of our real nursery. But then nothing happened. Everything remained in the brain nursery and nothing was allowed to leave. I wanted those thoughts to become reality, but it just never happened. That’s where the fear set in.

Four years later and those babies are vicious! If I so much as think about thinking about babies, I get sucked into a whirl wind of jealousy, confusion, and entitlement. It’s hard to come out of their alive. So at this point in my life, babies ARE those scary, giant toothed, creatures covered in scales. I’m hoping that changes soon, but for now, I try to stay out of the brain nursery.